Maybe I Should Have Settled

Was not using the account. Seemed silly to keep.

My daughter found this and I want it here, too!

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

Dream analysis needed - fast!

So, if anyone reading this knows how to interpret dreams...please say something and say it now.  But be gentle.

I don't remember the whole thing, but last night I had a dream that I was pregnant, and, apparently it was Immaculate Conception, 'cause no father-type in sight.  My deceased-for-6-years-mother was in the dream and she produced my near-20 year old daughter's infant car seat and that made dream-Shireen near giddy.  OK...any ideas?

Stool Status

OK...so you may be wondering what this headline means.  Suffice to say my little dog, the amazing 11-year old diaper-dog named Max, had very invasive colon surgery last week (see him pictured here... 9 pound Yorkie).     They removed a "structure" from his colon that has turned out to be cancerous.  They felt like they got good margins, but this type of cancer can metastasize, so it may have traveled to other parts of his body, maybe not.  It's a day by day watch to see if he shows any signs of other types of issue.  The vet says I have bought him months, maybe years.
The issue that led us (meaning me and Max) to the need for surgery was the lack of ability in the pooping department.  He was straining and being ever so good about it.

The last few days have seen me playing better nursemaid then I ever have for any human being.  It has found the little dog sleeping in a dog bed ON my desk...so not to be too far away; and me on POOP PATROL.  What he poops, when he poops, and the consistency of his poop has become my daily life.  Yesterday I was informed I would need to rub ointment on his sore bum.  I didn't even flinch.  That is love Internet, real love.

On a serious note...this whole episode has made me realize how NOT OK I am about death.  I've been hashing that around my brain for a bit, but from a human level, not canine.  I realized that the thought of losing this sweet creature has been more than I've known how to handle.  Maybe it's because he's the real constant in my life these days.  It sucks being alone, but at least my little diaper-dog is around for company and unconditional love. 
I'm not a pray-er, not even a little bit, but even I have been trying to make deals with God on this one.

"Is that Junior League code for bitch?"

OK, I admit it.  I love it when I hear something negative about my former husband's new wife (OK, not new, but second).  I heard through a reliable and fairly neutral source who knows her through the Junior League, that she is "hard." She was not the cause of my divorce, but, truly, I do not think she helped a bad situation.  I also feel like she's the main reason my daughter and her Dad have such a strained relationship.

I don't know about you, but I'd rather be called a "bitch" flat-out, than "hard."

He did it!

I am so remarkably relieved.  I can't talk about being single today.  Nope.  President-elect Obama is my news today.  I couldn't watch last night.  When I heard he had Pennsylvania, I felt good, but between being ready to throw up out of fear that I might have to move to Switzerland (if McCain won), the need to get homework done for my Thursday class, and get good sleep for a huge voice session today -- I went to bed.  I turned the TV on this morning, just as soon as I woke up (out of my natural order, I might add) and was so happy.  I walked around my house all morning, just smiling.  I somehow feel safer, and warm and fuzzy inside to boot.  I read Dooce's blog today, about how Obama makes her want to be a better person.  Yeah.  That's it.  That nails it.  That's how I feel.  He does give me hope, and I'm so excited that his little girls will get to bring a new puppy to the White House (I know, strange thing to be happy about, but they deserve it...running for President is not for wimps -- the candidates or their families).
Go Obama.  Yes, we can!

Seriously??

So... as has been noted, I am single once again.  I decided that since none of my friends seem to know any single men, and I don't meet very many in my home's tree-house office... I will try the dreaded "Land of the Broken" (AKA: match.com) once again.  I hemmed and hawed about putting my profile back up.  I mean, I knew the break up was coming for a few weeks.  His "I don't know what I want" wasn't especially convincing, so I had already been thinking about it before Saturday's 'chat.'  In any case... I polished the profile up, but had a really hard time flipping the switch. Sort of thinking I was being dishonest about the feelings I thought I'd had for the Sportswriter/Editor.  Could I possibly have felt like I was falling in love with someone... only to put my profile back up two days after the break-up??  Ruth and my cousin John were adamant about not waiting.  (My cousin John might as well be my brother as we talk multiple times a week about EVERYTHING.)  His favorite expression (after a confessed indiscretion): "A girl's gotta eat."  Now I swear - every girl needs a cheerleader like that on her side!
So, here follows our conversation on Monday morning:

ME:  I have updated my profile, but his isn't back up yet...I feel weird, like I'm cheating, putting mine back up.
HIM:  PUT IT UP ALREADY!

End of discussion.

I flipped the switch, but chose not to pay the membership price.  Figured I would wait until I actually heard from someone.  Within 30  minutes I had 'a hit."  But of course, the match.com people are crafty marketing types and don't tell you who has emailed you -- they just tease you.  They make you wonder if it's worth the dough.  I mean it could be THE ONE.  Right??  So, I fork over the cash for a three-month membership to receive an email from a man living in the UK.  THE UK!!  Seriously!?!  He's taking "one last chance on online dating" - reaching out to me.  "Distance is no issue."  Does match pay these people?  I want to know and I want to know now.  I received subsequent winks from a guy in Ohio, then from a man in Brooklyn.  Am I really that unappealing to the men in Maine???  My membership expires in January -- If there is a God -- she will save me from this insanity far sooner than that!

Three-month shelf life

Well...the conversation was not a real conversation.  We did not discuss ways to make things better or if it was something we should even try to fix.  Not sure why he dragged this out for a week and a half -- I gave him every opportunity to be done when we talked on the phone.  I thought he wanted to think, to discuss, but, apparently...  it was a foregone conclusion.  'South' was the direction we were going in.  I knew it was when I didn't hear from him until Friday.  I got the "how about 10 or 10:30 Saturday morning?" mid afternoon on Friday... that is, most definitely, not the timing of a man interested in making it better.
I felt nauseous Saturday morning and had friends, and my daughter, telling me to blow it off (that his behavior did not warrant any kind of closure-kindness), but I felt the need to see it through to the end.  I've always run from the messy parts of relationships, but for some reason, wanted to see this one play out to the bitter end (though "bitter" is really not the right word here).  I shed some tears at the end of our almost-hour chat - he did not.  We hugged. He said he was sorry and it was done.
I guess I'm left wondering on why most of my relationships have a three-month time line.  Usually it's me who gets aggravated and wants to move on (sometimes it's way less than three months, but that seems to be my going average, and it really works for a headline).  I'm not liking either role right now.  "Dump-er."  "Dump-ee."  They both suck.

So, for the record, the Editor/Sportswriter (he's been nicknamed both -- as his job changed midway through knowing him) is an official member of the ex-files.

On a happier note...just discovered that the number 1 song on the day of my birth was "It's My Party."  Seems so appropriate. I'm going to try and make that phrase today's mantra... 
Find your birthday song here.

Too important not to post...

Don't Vote! from URBNMKT on Vimeo.

Would a little 'above and beyond' be so hard??

OK...never let it be said that I'm good at personal communications.  Let me be clear... I, in fact, know that I stink like expensive French cheese.  I think the relationship I have been in for the last few months (perhaps it really was just a summer fling; cue the Grease soundtrack) is at a major turning point, and I'm afraid South is looking to be its likely direction.
We met online, and the transparency of online dating may just be its demise.  Yes, his profile found its way back to active status in the last couple of weeks, and I came apart.  Never mind that mine has been hidden since before we reconnected in June (we officially met in January -- I took my profile off for the general viewing audience in early June - not because of him, but because I was tired of the whole process). 
It's hard to know what to think, how to feel.  I did confront him about it.  He pulled it offline the day I confronted him about it.  He called.  We had a long discussion (resolving nothing), and schedules being what they were -- I suggested we shelve the conversation until this upcoming weekend (we only see each other on weekends).  We talked on Wednesday and Thursday of last week... it's now nearly a week later, and not one word from him.  Not.  One.  I made it pretty clear that I was not going to be calling -- as I felt like I had been the one doing the giving on the communication front since we started (again - hard to believe -- French cheese and all).  It's hard to feel like I count when communication is cut off.  I gave him an easy out -- truly.  But he doesn't seem to know what he wants.  I can't answer that for him, but making me wait.  Making me wonder what the weekend discussion holds -- even when the discussion will happen... seems a bad sign, and a bad move.  A little 'above and beyond' would work wonders if North is the direction he's hoping for...